HOW GRIEF GOES UNNOTICED IN FOSTER CHILDREN
And the underlying trauma it can cause
I
have attended several funerals during my lifetime. At one, when I was still in
high school, I remember watching the mother of a friend throw herself over her
son’s casket, unable to contain her emotions.
Those
of us who were there sat and stared, stunned, but silent. Eventually, a much
older lady with gray wispy hair came running down the aisle, throwing her arms
around the women’s shoulders, whispering that it was OK and that she should
take a break for a while. She hugged the grieving mother and supported her
while they looked for an empty chair.
Later
in life, I was at a funeral for a man who had died, and his wife, so upset that
she was shouting profanities at his casket, banging on it, asking him why he
broke his promise to never leave her. Again, a women came from the back and
threw her arms around the distraught woman. This time I couldn’t hear the
conversation, but you could tell it was soothing.
In
any other public situation, these types of outbursts would be deemed
unacceptable. But, at a funeral, when individuals are grieving, it seems we
have an unstated rule that any and all behavior is acceptable, and it probably
should be.
However,
what if you lost a loved one over and over again? What if they presumably died
more than once? For some of the children lost in our foster care system, that
is exactly the case. They are pulled from their parents, and placed in a
presumably safer environment. Some are reunited, only to be pulled again.
Others will never see their parents again. How are they allowed to grieve?
If a
small girl is pulled from her mother’s home, only to be placed in the safety of
strangers, and she attends school later that week, only to throw something at
another student or even the teacher, is she grieving or a troublemaker?
Children
are often unable, and fail to recognize the underlying cause of their own
behaviors, unable to make the leap that their grief and sorrow may be connected.
Professionals often dismiss these problems as impulsive behaviors or a symptom
of a larger psychological issue. Some foster children are not so social; they
do not talk much to other children, and have a difficult time understanding
their own feelings and actions.
These children have suffered a tremendous loss — a deep
sadness and grief that often goes unrecognized, and often leads to deeper
traumas. When we learn to recognize that a child may be grieving, it may be
easier to throw our arms around them and tell them everything is going to be OK,
instead of issuing a punishment.
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