May is Foster Care Awareness Month: Here is How You Can Help

MAY IS FOSTER CARE AWARENESS MONTH

Here is How YOU can help

In 1988 with the help of Senator Strom Thurmond, President Ronald Regan issued the first Presidential proclamation that established May as National Foster Care Month. A yearly proclamation from the President recognizes the work of foster families, social workers, community organizations and others that are improving the lives of young people in foster care across the country and encourages all Americans to participate in efforts to serve these children throughout the year.

You already know that in the United States we have nearly 500,000 children in the foster care system. Nearly 24,000 will age out this year with no continued support. You also know that the long term impacts and outcomes of those from the foster care system are almost unfathomable. But you can help. Below is a list of ways to get involved. . . I am asking all my readers to find one way that they can get involved and take a positive action for you in care in the month of May.

I would also love to hear what you did. What was your experience like? Please share your stories with me on the link at the bottom. 

WAYS TO GET INVOLVED

FOSTER or ADOPT - Yes, it's a big time commitment. It is an emotional commitment. It is challenging and can be frustrating. But there are thousands of youth who are looking for caring parents and mentors to help them and have someone believe in them regardless. To learn more about possible opportunities in your area check out: ADOPT US KIDS

SPONSOR - Not ready to make the commitment to foster or adopt a child. How about sponsoring a child and/or a foster family. As with all children, it takes a lot of time and money to provide everything a child needs. Sponsoring a family or a child can help. Contact your local foster or adoption agency for local opportunities.

VOLUNTEER - Whether you have an hour a month, or hours a day, foster children could use your volunteer hours. Whether it is you, or you can put together a group of family and friends. Thousands of organizations need volunteers. Here are a few suggestions, but always check with your local resources for others: 

• CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates)
• Foster Care to Success-Academic Success Program
• Big Brothers Big Sisters
• The Purple Project
• Other Places

DONATE - If time is precious for you, and you don't have time in May to volunteer, maybe you would prefer to donate money or items. It is always great when you can donate in your local community. You  may want to check out Charity Navigator or choose a specific family or organization who could use your dollars or gifts. If you just want my recommendations here are several organizations to consider: 

• The Crossnore School
• Vista Maria
• CARE House of Oakland County
• Kids in the Spotlight
• Foster Care Films
• The National Schoolhouse for Theatrical Arts
• First Star

EDUCATE - Many people do not understand the foster care system. They do not see how the outcomes in foster care are impacting other social issues in our country. Take someone to coffee, dinner or other event with the specific intent of sharing information. You can find lots of statistics and information at: Child Trends, Child Welfare.Gov, Or pick up a book, might I recommend Garbage Bag Suitcase, The Body Keeps the Score, Three Little Words, To the End of June, Childhood Disrupted, or even The Language of Flowers or White Oleander.

ADVOCATE - Once you have some knowledge and information, set out to change some minds and some of the outcomes for kids in care. Write a letter to your representatives, which you can find here. Reach out to those on your local commissions. How much do they know about foster care in your community? What are they doing to help resolve the issues? They need to hear from voters to realize how big this issue is.

Remember, if we do not all come together to solve this problem, we will continue to have millions of children who have never known love, safety or stability! 

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on translating evidence based research on trauma into skills that can be used immediately by individuals and organizations. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

Share Your Story

Who Gets the Life Raft? The difficult relationships of foster youth

WHO GETS THE LIFE RAFT? 

The difficult relationships of foster youth. 

Writing for this blog is sometimes problematic for me. I try to be as transparent as possible and talk about the things that are truly affecting my life in the moment. I want it to be honest, and sometimes that means discussing emotions and feelings that are difficult or painful to put into words.

Recently, I was at an event and a woman asked a question that I hear often, “How did you overcome the abandonment of your mother?” The answer is burdensome, and often shocking for audiences. The truth is, I never felt abandoned by my mother. Instead, I felt that I had abandoned her. I had spent much of my childhood taking care of her, worrying about her, and making sure she was OK. When I was13, she disappeared for a few days, then a few weeks. It wasn’t shocking to me; it was my “normal.”

When she still hadn’t reappeared, and my grandmother was going to be evicted from her housing situation, I knew I had to call social services. It was a difficult call for me, and one that I would wish, time and time again, that I hadn’t made. Making that call always felt like I was watching a life raft for one float by, and I selfishly took it for myself.

When people hear this story, I can see a bit of shock across their faces. It is difficult to put into words the loyalty I felt for my mother, and the betrayal I carry in my heart. As an adult I cognitively understand my decision, and most do, but the betrayal I feel I caused hasn’t lessened.

After the Presidential election results started coming in, I was struck with the idea of loyalty, and how the weight of that emotion can be viewed, oftentimes confused for betrayal. As defined, loyalty is a strong feeling of support or allegiance to someone or something. It is a feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection.  As a society, it is a trait we hold in high regard. In fact, any sign of disloyalty is often met with cries of not being patriotic, a traitor, crybaby or lots of other four-letter expletives.

And, that is why after not seeing my birth mother for over 27 years, I still have feelings of disloyalty and like I am the one who betrayed her. Abandonment was never my trigger or emotion. It is also why I have difficulty discussing those feelings; any sign of estrangement or retreat of creates feelings (and brings accusations) that I was wrong in my decision to save myself.

These emotions are complicated when children enter foster care. Old families, new families, changing families … How can you be loyal to everyone? Can you ever? Who do you betray? How do you protect yourself? Is it ever OK to be disloyal? If so, who decides who gets the life raft? Sometimes you just need to pick up the phone.

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

Creating Good Harbors

A journey of unknowns

There are less than 60 days left in 2016, and soon another year will descend. I always feel reflective this time of year: looking back at my intentions for the year, relishing in the goals that I accomplished, reexamining the ones that I missed, wondering if there is time to cram in and complete another one before the end of the year (dieting at the holidays … no thanks).

But this year has been one of accomplishment for me. After four long years of sitting on my “to do” list I finally finished and published my first book, Garbage Bag Suitcase. When I originally convinced myself to actually finish the book two years into the process, I had one simple goal: Change one person’s life for the positive. That was it. But, as publication loomed closer, I began to have doubts. I worried that the book would be misunderstood, that others wouldn’t relate to it, that I would be judged, that I had shared too much, or even worse — that no one would read it.

The night before its release, I remember lying awake in my bed, excited and petrified. It was completely out of my control.  During the book release and in the eight months since the book came out, I’ve pinched myself every morning. I can’t believe I was chosen for this amazing journey.

Every day I receive emails from individuals affected by the book in positive ways:

• ·      a social worker who was considering leaving her job, but read the book and realized that if she left she would just be one more person on a long list leaving “her” children behind;
• ·      a former foster who found solace in knowing they weren’t alone and decided to reach out for help before ending their life;
• ·    a foster parent convinced that they should give up their license, finding new insights and understanding to the complex issues facing the children in their home.

I asked for one email; I received 100s. Then …  something else started to happen.

While out promoting the book, I found myself spending a tremendous amount of time educating and talking about the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study and its findings with average, everyday people. I was watching light bulbs go off and I knew that others were just as intrigued as I was. I developed a short workshop from the information, and again, more light bulbs.

It was fantastic and wonderful, but under it was a hint that things weren’t quite right. I suddenly starting hitting a wall and hearing lots of comments like “we understand trauma,” and, “our workers are already trauma informed.” I was excited by the idea that several agencies and groups might have already done the work, but suspicious when I asked a follow-up question: “That’s great, what are you doing differently?”

Blank stares ensued. The organizations had spent lots of time listening to educational material on trauma and its effects in webinars and in person, but that hadn’t changed anything within their organizations. Meeting after meeting, I was listening to folks who, with all good intentions, wanted to make changes within the community, yet couldn’t figure out how to turn the information into implementation and skills for the workers.

Complex problems, even more complex organizations, lots of unintended consequences and short-lived results were becoming increasingly the norm, and I wasn’t willing to accept it. I remember exactly where I was when I realized something BIG had to change:  another meeting, a conference room with about 10 people in attendance — all of whom hold more degrees and education than I do. The discussion was focused on becoming a “trauma-informed community.” Lots of great conversation — it always was. And then I asked, “What are we going to DO? What are our action steps?”

There was silence, and then suddenly the conversation moved on, as if the question had never been asked. I knew in that moment that something had to change. Dr. Cathy Fialon approached me afterward and we ended up having a lengthy conversation about organizations needing skills that could be used immediately to translate trauma information into trauma-informed care for implemented and sustained change.

Together we developed a trauma-informed model that addresses the needs of organizations and can be used immediately for change. Traveling the country, we are always surprised by the positive response of our work, and how groups finally feel that there is something for them to DO when it comes to understanding trauma.

For me, as I reflect and get ready to begin thinking about my 2017 goals, I am giddy. I NEVER thought that this crazy idea of writing a book would allow me to meet and talk with so many wonderful people. I never thought it would move people to share their stories with me. I never thought that I would have the privilege to partner with someone with a PhD, to deliver educational content that could immediately change the lives of children effected by adversity, and I surely never thought that people would care about what I had to say.

With that, I can’t wait to write out my 2017 goals, because I know that I will meet some of them, I will fail on others, but more importantly my world will be opened by opportunities and chances I never could have dreamed of. As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

A Year to Find Out. Can Living Alone Help Heal Trauma?

A YEAR TO FIND OUT

Can living alone help heal trauma?

I have never really been good at relationships. Intimacy scares me, and trust is something that is earned. When I travel now, speaking about the lasting effects of my trauma and the scars of the foster care system, I spend lots of talking describing how difficult it can be to have a relationship with me.  “You have to do lots of the heavy lifting, because I’m just not going to,” is what I think.

People are often confused by this seeming contradiction. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for nearly 20 years now. How is that working? He will be so happy that I’m saying this publicly, but he really does a lot of the heavy lifting in our relationship.

After I aged out of foster care, I was on my own. Alone. I spent numerous evenings locked in my small apartment pondering the world, my life path and how I was ever going to escape. I didn’t have money for luxuries like cable; I didn’t even own a television. No cell phone (they hadn’t been invented). No roommate to offer a distraction. I had a few jigsaw puzzles I had picked up at a garage sale — and my own mind. 

When my now husband asked me out to a movie, I had a panic attack about how I was going to pay for it. Living alone in that apartment taught me lots of lessons, but the most important was how to quiet my mind and to be okay in my own presence. Not a real skill it seemed at the time, but it gave me lots of time to work through some things and find the courage and strength to problem solve on my own.

After I got married and we had our daughter, I remember driving with my husband and telling him that no matter what happened, I just wanted our daughter to spend at least one year on her own sometime as an adult.  Whether it was during college, or before she got married, she needed one year to live on her own, to gain real independence and to not rely on any other person for her needs, wants or explore her own desires.

He never really argued about it. Over the years I would tell him stories of finding my own Christmas tree, cutting it down myself, loading it into my tiny car, and even dragging in into my apartment — all by myself. It was a huge accomplishment and I loved that I didn’t need anyone to help me. That independence gave me the strength to overcome some of the most difficult times in my life.

Without those lessons, which I learned within those four walls, I would not have been able to get to a place where I could quiet the voices in my head, and make the necessary and difficult decisions to allow myself to move forward from my trauma so I could be alive in the present moment to find what feeds my soul.  Doesn’t everyone deserve that chance?

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com