WHO GETS THE LIFE RAFT?
The difficult relationships of foster youth.
Writing for this blog is sometimes problematic for me. I try
to be as transparent as possible and talk about the things that are truly
affecting my life in the moment. I want it to be honest, and sometimes that
means discussing emotions and feelings that are difficult or painful to put
into words.
Recently, I was at an event and a woman asked a question
that I hear often, “How did you overcome the abandonment of your mother?” The
answer is burdensome, and often shocking for audiences. The truth is, I never
felt abandoned by my mother. Instead, I felt that I had abandoned her. I had
spent much of my childhood taking care of her, worrying about her, and making
sure she was OK. When I was13, she disappeared for a few days, then a few weeks.
It wasn’t shocking to me; it was my “normal.”
When she still hadn’t reappeared, and my grandmother was
going to be evicted from her housing situation, I knew I had to call social
services. It was a difficult call for me, and one that I would wish, time and
time again, that I hadn’t made. Making that call always felt like I was
watching a life raft for one float by, and I selfishly took it for myself.
When people hear this story, I can see a bit of shock across
their faces. It is difficult to put into words the loyalty I felt for my
mother, and the betrayal I carry in my heart. As an adult I cognitively
understand my decision, and most do, but the betrayal I feel I caused hasn’t
lessened.
After the Presidential election results started coming in, I
was struck with the idea of loyalty, and how the weight of that emotion can be
viewed, oftentimes confused for betrayal. As defined, loyalty is a strong
feeling of support or allegiance to someone or something. It is a feeling or
attitude of devoted attachment and affection.
As a society, it is a trait we hold in high regard. In fact, any sign of
disloyalty is often met with cries of not being patriotic, a traitor, crybaby
or lots of other four-letter expletives.
And, that is why after not seeing my birth mother for over
27 years, I still have feelings of disloyalty and like I am the one who
betrayed her. Abandonment was never my trigger or emotion. It is also why I
have difficulty discussing those feelings; any sign of estrangement or retreat
of creates feelings (and brings accusations) that I was wrong in my decision to
save myself.
These emotions are complicated when children enter foster care.
Old families, new families, changing families … How can you be loyal to
everyone? Can you ever? Who do you betray? How do you protect yourself? Is it
ever OK to be disloyal? If so, who decides who gets the life raft? Sometimes
you just need to pick up the phone.
Shenandoah Chefalo is a
former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag
Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on
ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and
individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com
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