May is Foster Care Awareness Month: Here is How You Can Help

MAY IS FOSTER CARE AWARENESS MONTH

Here is How YOU can help

In 1988 with the help of Senator Strom Thurmond, President Ronald Regan issued the first Presidential proclamation that established May as National Foster Care Month. A yearly proclamation from the President recognizes the work of foster families, social workers, community organizations and others that are improving the lives of young people in foster care across the country and encourages all Americans to participate in efforts to serve these children throughout the year.

You already know that in the United States we have nearly 500,000 children in the foster care system. Nearly 24,000 will age out this year with no continued support. You also know that the long term impacts and outcomes of those from the foster care system are almost unfathomable. But you can help. Below is a list of ways to get involved. . . I am asking all my readers to find one way that they can get involved and take a positive action for you in care in the month of May.

I would also love to hear what you did. What was your experience like? Please share your stories with me on the link at the bottom. 

WAYS TO GET INVOLVED

FOSTER or ADOPT - Yes, it's a big time commitment. It is an emotional commitment. It is challenging and can be frustrating. But there are thousands of youth who are looking for caring parents and mentors to help them and have someone believe in them regardless. To learn more about possible opportunities in your area check out: ADOPT US KIDS

SPONSOR - Not ready to make the commitment to foster or adopt a child. How about sponsoring a child and/or a foster family. As with all children, it takes a lot of time and money to provide everything a child needs. Sponsoring a family or a child can help. Contact your local foster or adoption agency for local opportunities.

VOLUNTEER - Whether you have an hour a month, or hours a day, foster children could use your volunteer hours. Whether it is you, or you can put together a group of family and friends. Thousands of organizations need volunteers. Here are a few suggestions, but always check with your local resources for others: 

• CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates)
• Foster Care to Success-Academic Success Program
• Big Brothers Big Sisters
• The Purple Project
• Other Places

DONATE - If time is precious for you, and you don't have time in May to volunteer, maybe you would prefer to donate money or items. It is always great when you can donate in your local community. You  may want to check out Charity Navigator or choose a specific family or organization who could use your dollars or gifts. If you just want my recommendations here are several organizations to consider: 

• The Crossnore School
• Vista Maria
• CARE House of Oakland County
• Kids in the Spotlight
• Foster Care Films
• The National Schoolhouse for Theatrical Arts
• First Star

EDUCATE - Many people do not understand the foster care system. They do not see how the outcomes in foster care are impacting other social issues in our country. Take someone to coffee, dinner or other event with the specific intent of sharing information. You can find lots of statistics and information at: Child Trends, Child Welfare.Gov, Or pick up a book, might I recommend Garbage Bag Suitcase, The Body Keeps the Score, Three Little Words, To the End of June, Childhood Disrupted, or even The Language of Flowers or White Oleander.

ADVOCATE - Once you have some knowledge and information, set out to change some minds and some of the outcomes for kids in care. Write a letter to your representatives, which you can find here. Reach out to those on your local commissions. How much do they know about foster care in your community? What are they doing to help resolve the issues? They need to hear from voters to realize how big this issue is.

Remember, if we do not all come together to solve this problem, we will continue to have millions of children who have never known love, safety or stability! 

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on translating evidence based research on trauma into skills that can be used immediately by individuals and organizations. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

Share Your Story

Self Help: More Than Just a Good Book

I have written before about how I was a self-help book addict. I read every book I could find, re-reading several of them and even going as far as getting them on audiobook so I could re-listen to them hundreds of times.

I did this because I absolutely believed in their base principles, and, frankly, I needed a constant reminder. I would listen — and would feel good for 10 to 30 minutes afterwards. But, then life would happen; I would forget everything I learned and I would be right back to old habits until the next time I was in my car. This went on for years.

I often felt more depressed the more I listened or tried to read the books. Why wasn’t I able to just do this? How come I wasn’t good enough to implement these ideas?  They weren’t helping me, and I didn’t know what else to do.  I abandoned the ideas and assumed I was doomed for a life of hardship.

Then, I decided to write Garbage Bag Suitcase, and everything changed. I didn’t know how this book would completely flip my world upside down, but while researching for that book, I stumbled on a piece of research (the Adverse Childhood Experience Study) that changed the way I understood my relationship with my mind and body.  That one study lead me to more reading, but not in the self-help section, this time in the science section. Specifically, topics on brain function.

Before I read this study, things happened to me and I felt as though I was an unlucky participant in the happenings. I couldn’t understand how I could “change my luck.” After I read the study, I started to see my life’s journey in a completely different way. What if everything I considered “bad” that had happened to me, happened for a completely positive reason? It was a stretch, and when I told a friend she basically laughed at me.

But I couldn’t escape the thought. Was it possible that my own neglectful childhood had caused me to see only bad things? Slowly, I started to see tiny shifts within my own life. I was rewiring what I considered to be my “trauma brain” but it was tedious.

Then, recently, several disappointing things happened in a row (minor things, really):

1: My book wasn’t chosen for an independent award I was hoping to receive.
2: I submitted the book for a writing/screenwriting competition, and it wasn’t recognized there either; and
3: I also received a negative review about the book that felt very personal.

All of these things happened within a few days of each other.

In the past, any one of these things would have sent me into a deep depression for a day or longer. The trifecta would have made me nearly despondent. But it didn’t. After each event, after the tinge of disappointment, I remember thinking to myself, “That’s OK, something better must be coming.” I didn’t intend for that to be my response, it just was.

Those old feelings of depression, sadness, emptiness, feelings that I wasn’t good enough, seemed to have just disappeared. This is what I understood from all the trauma research I had done. I had actually changed the pathways in my mind to a new way of thinking and feeling.

It was possible! And now that I have this new way of thinking, I find the information I learned in my previous self-help addiction is easier to implement then before. It wasn’t bad information; it just wasn’t enough information for a person who was still functioning in trauma brain.

The self-help industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. When I was in trauma brain, I talked about “how it was” because none of it worked. Now that I have begun healing my trauma brain (I have a few more new pathways to develop), I understand that the information is valuable, but usually there is a lot of hard work to do before implementing the principles in any of the books. 

Some of us have never known true happiness, so trying to “tune in” to that emotion and bring more of it to us is impossible until we find, create and reinforce new pathways in our brain. We can feel helpless and paralyzed. What we really need is the support of those around us to offer guidance on our journey of self-healing!

In the end, my self-help addiction helped me heal — maybe not in the way I initially thought. I hear lots of people talk about the Law of Attraction. They are almost afraid to have a negative thought for fear it will bring more negativity. What I learned is, to begin with, you have to heal yourself from your negative thoughts. That takes patience, love and grace for yourself above anything else.

If you are going to go down the path of healing your trauma brain, you will bump into lots of negative emotions that you have to learn to overcome. It isn’t easy.

Practice, patience, and remember that we all deserve absolute joy.

A Nation Triggered: Using Powerful Questions to Coach Ourselves to Bi-Partisanship

A NATION TRIGGERED

Using Powerful Questions to Coach Ourselves to Bi-Partisanship

It’s official: in the United States we have a new president. Along with it, lots of questions … for me, mostly unanswered questions which bring about uncertainty, triggers my past traumatic events, and my anxiety begins to flare up. I’ve have mostly tried to ignore the coverage, but you almost have to have your head in the sand to not hear some of what is going on.

But every time something gets through my “no news for the moment” safeguards, I find myself asking the same question, “What does this mean for kids in the foster care system?”  What does repealing the Affordable Care Act mean for those who just aged out? What does it mean for those covered by Medicaid?

I tell myself not to worry, that everything will work out, but will it? I mean, for the most vulnerable in the county, our children, things haven’t worked out for them so far. They have already lost their bio parents, many have been abused or neglected, and things so far have been downright difficult for them. Now, as an advocate I am trying to convince myself to keep going, but how in these uncertain times?

I heard President Obama’s last address wherein he asked us as citizens to get involved and do something to make a difference. I, like many of you who read this blog, have already heeded this call. We have stepped up in our communities to try and raise awareness and be a voice for those who are silent. But, I now find myself sitting at my desk asking if it is too little too late.

I wonder who is speaking for the children who are trapped in this system, because of the system. Those who upon turning 18 will be living below poverty. Most will become homeless or worse, end up in jail. A large percentage will develop a substance abuse problem, or become teen moms themselves.  Who is currently the voice of these children? These children are not a partisan issue to be debated. These are children, who we, as citizens, have promised to take care of, and yet each day it seems we are turning our backs.

Then I paused. In fact, I paused in the middle of writing this blog. Was this even what I wanted to say? I tucked it away for a few days, and reflected. Then a sudden realization … I am not doing the one thing that I ask rooms full of people during training to do. I am not asking a powerful question and I feel completely disempowered.

People recovering from trauma often feel very disempowered or victimized. A feeling I am relating to very much currently. However, one of the quickest ways for us to begin to empower people is to ask powerful questions and then allow them to dictate their own path of healing.  It is true that almost everything in the news currently is a statement; there are very few questions and even fewer powerful questions.

I admit it: I am frustrated. I am sick. I am angry, and I am looking for ways in which to carry on in these uncertain times.  The only way I know how to do that is through empowerment. So I ask you, regardless of your political viewpoint, where, as a Nation, do we go from here? How do we continue to protect our children, the most vulnerable?

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on translating evidence based research on trauma into skills that can be used immediately by individuals and organizations. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com

Who Gets the Life Raft? The difficult relationships of foster youth

WHO GETS THE LIFE RAFT? 

The difficult relationships of foster youth. 

Writing for this blog is sometimes problematic for me. I try to be as transparent as possible and talk about the things that are truly affecting my life in the moment. I want it to be honest, and sometimes that means discussing emotions and feelings that are difficult or painful to put into words.

Recently, I was at an event and a woman asked a question that I hear often, “How did you overcome the abandonment of your mother?” The answer is burdensome, and often shocking for audiences. The truth is, I never felt abandoned by my mother. Instead, I felt that I had abandoned her. I had spent much of my childhood taking care of her, worrying about her, and making sure she was OK. When I was13, she disappeared for a few days, then a few weeks. It wasn’t shocking to me; it was my “normal.”

When she still hadn’t reappeared, and my grandmother was going to be evicted from her housing situation, I knew I had to call social services. It was a difficult call for me, and one that I would wish, time and time again, that I hadn’t made. Making that call always felt like I was watching a life raft for one float by, and I selfishly took it for myself.

When people hear this story, I can see a bit of shock across their faces. It is difficult to put into words the loyalty I felt for my mother, and the betrayal I carry in my heart. As an adult I cognitively understand my decision, and most do, but the betrayal I feel I caused hasn’t lessened.

After the Presidential election results started coming in, I was struck with the idea of loyalty, and how the weight of that emotion can be viewed, oftentimes confused for betrayal. As defined, loyalty is a strong feeling of support or allegiance to someone or something. It is a feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection.  As a society, it is a trait we hold in high regard. In fact, any sign of disloyalty is often met with cries of not being patriotic, a traitor, crybaby or lots of other four-letter expletives.

And, that is why after not seeing my birth mother for over 27 years, I still have feelings of disloyalty and like I am the one who betrayed her. Abandonment was never my trigger or emotion. It is also why I have difficulty discussing those feelings; any sign of estrangement or retreat of creates feelings (and brings accusations) that I was wrong in my decision to save myself.

These emotions are complicated when children enter foster care. Old families, new families, changing families … How can you be loyal to everyone? Can you ever? Who do you betray? How do you protect yourself? Is it ever OK to be disloyal? If so, who decides who gets the life raft? Sometimes you just need to pick up the phone.

Shenandoah Chefalo is a former foster youth, and advocate. She is the author of the memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, and co-founder of Good Harbor Institute an organization focused on ensuring sustainable, implemented trauma care within organizations and individuals. You can learn more about her and her work at www.garbagebagsuitcase.com or www.goodharborinst.com